Are We Our Own Worst Enemy? Self-Talk, Peer Support & the Stories We Tell Ourselves

Elliott: You know, I caught a little bit of shit from our last episode. I heard that. Yeah, nothing too bad, but it was that there was some negativity. So we got a little constructive criticism? Negative self talk in our last episode. I don't recall it. Do you? it's perception. What is negative self talk? What is self doubt? How does that push us in a positive direction for growth? I mean that's one way to look at it. I guess I'll say it and you tell me what you think. But I've always been somebody who has outwardly said the outcome of something will be bad. but internally, I'm like, I got this. Right. I don't know what the hell it is, some kind of a mind game I play with myself. like it's I'm trying to protect myself in case something goes haywire. inside the whole time I knew it's gonna be all right. I think that's a great way to put it is the protection mode. not I don't nah not protection mode. you're giving yourself that talk of okay, this is gonna suck, but I know exactly what you're saying. 'cause I have felt that way before. I wanna talk about self talk a little bit because I don't know Is that just a bunch of smoke and mirrors like, put up a sticky note and say, have a great day? Or are these like positive affirmations, are they real? Does it put something in your mind that says, Yep, you know what, I want to read something positive, I wanna be positive. And it does kind of motor you into your day, or is it bullshit? I don't know. I always think we should be steeped in some level of reality. I don't perceive that as negative self talk. I think we were talking more on the what you just said, the realistic point of view of what we had for our discussion. I think it was good that we got feedback for it though. Yeah, yeah, I do too. I do like that feedback and I want more of it, That's the whole reason we're doing this, right? you have a background in, you know, exercise science and performance. think about sports. And this is gonna be the probably the stupidest example that I could come up with in my head. you're I don't know, on the football field and you're getting out there and you're getting yourself psyched up. Yeah, let's go. Right. in in a sense, is that a version of positive self-talk, right? Because you're getting in the game, you're getting your mindset ready. Or is that completely different? does it walk some parallels? I think there's parallels for sure, sports psychology wise. you think about that aspect of it and imagery walking through the plays, through your mind, what you're gonna do, and that hyping up. Yeah. And you can also go the other route of Man, that guy is a monster. Yeah. I better be on my game. You know, have that just that little bit of self doubt with a little bit of push. let's go. You gotta really show up today. This is gonna be a tough one. Versus is this arrogance or confidence? He's always got me by fifty pounds. That ain't nothing. I got this all day. What's better? That's exactly what I'm talking about. okay, we're gonna meet a challenge. We gotta stay realistic, but how do we keep that drive and that let's go. how do we equate that now to you know the profession, and I guess for this one, I'm gonna stick to law enforcement because There is the array of scenarios that, that can be challenging. where's that mindset and keeping everything realistic. You know, yeah, right. And I gotta think that we can't prepare the same way like on the football field or can we? You know, we here's the situation. We gotta we gotta attack this. That comes down to training. True. Yeah. Yeah. That aspect of it. When you're looking at, you know, a buck forty, buck fifty against two fifty. Yeah. It comes down to training and utilizing, you know, your tools and being confident. Confident, yes. With your tools. Yep. And there's a false confidence. I did that training. I got it. I'm good. I don't need to do it for it's it says I don't need it for another two years. Right. So I'm set. Right. still the same mindset as far as what we're talking about, the negative self-talk versus coming up to a physical obstacle versus a mental obstacle. 'Cause I think a lot of what we're talking about with the growth mindset and leadership and followership is the mindset. Yep. if you wake up in the morning, you brush your teeth and you stare at yourself, I'll tell you what I said this morning. I was like, God I look like shit this morning. I'm like, whoa, I I don't know. Did I sleep good? I was like I'm trying to like have this conversation with the guy in the mirror. Yeah. And I guess it would have been pretty negative, so automatically went into all let me splash some water on I get jump in the shower Whew what happened So you took steps to improve your feelings, your attitude, your your looks, splashing water on your face. All right, let me let me change it up a little bit. Let me put some water on my face, freshen up. You gave yourself a little bit of, yeah, I look like shit. But you acknowledged it and said, okay, this is what I'm gonna do with it. There's a difference. Here we go. What do I need to do to take that next step to make my day good? Yeah. Is that the same thing as putting the post-it on the mirror? You know, recognize it, have your affirmation. I look like crap, but okay, there's my post-it. It's gonna be a great day. I'm awesome. I got this. Yeah. What do you do with it? you know I can be a little self-deprecating. I I actually like that about myself. I like at times making fun of myself. I think it helps the conversation and people open up more when you do that, and that kind of stuff can drive a conversation deeper. I mean a lot of our conversations just start off light and easy and then all of a sudden we're in it exactly where this podcast came from was light conversation turns into deep thoughts not that we're getting it right but we're still you know to to sit in the room yeah but what else are we doing out there to stimulate our minds yeah and create community I can see where negative self talk is as it is bad, but I look at it as something positive. Mm. As you're you're giving that realization of This is where I'm at. And this is where I can improve. What do I have to do to get there? I guess we can't ignore the fact that not everybody has the ability to do that. Right. I can have bouts of negativity, I'm usually pulling out of it pretty fast. I don't wanna spend too much time living in that world. And if I do, usually it's just more of a of a realist thing. I'm just being real, But there is something to that, Right. I'm gonna agree a hundred percent. I feel like I am a very positive person, but I also live in those moments of Disappointment, sadness, grief. Because I think we have to experience that in order to experience the positive. Mm-hmm. And you better understand and better appreciate the positive when you do take a moment in that negative mindset and you're like, okay. Yeah, this job sucks. Okay. Now I'm into a positive part. This is this is what I love about the job. Yep. We had this conversation the other day I feel like it's maybe a good time to to bring it up. you have a tough call where the outcome is unfortunate. death. You know the outcome. Right. And it's not good. maybe you don't know the circumstances exactly around it. our conversation was like, Well, we don't we weren't there, things aren't necessarily suspicious, right? But we have this way of adding all these pieces to it that We would never be able to prove if they were true or not. And so then all of a sudden, when you were saying like that emotion, that grief, that all these things. We're creating that. Yes. When the when the fact is is like, hey, these are, the facts of it. And sadly, that's all there is to it. part of it was trying you and I were trying to figure out like are we our own worst enemy in the way of wanting an immediate closure or wanting to get to the bottom of it. And then all of a sudden we spin up our thoughts in a way that, That doesn't exist, you know, and we're almost worse for ourselves. man, this has really come to me recently too, so we've got the facts, right? Now in our mind we're creating our own story based around those facts for what? To appease ourselves. Right. Right? Law enforcement and you're investigating a case, you want to dig and dig and dig and dig. But if you're in your community, if you're in your group of friends That digging might be more harmful than good. in some instances, where you have everything you need, you see what happened, let it just be Right. let me switch on you about peer support. I had my bad peer support experience and so I was like, I'll never do that again. as time has, you know, passed on, people have gotten better we have a really good, peer support team in our area. We do. that I trust to do the right thing. I wanna shoot this out, this message out to supervisors and chiefs. If you have a tough call, and I really don't care what it is, something if it i I think if it pops in your mind to be like, should I call peer support? Just call, right? And then I wonder. you know, as a as a chief, command level, whoever's been given the authority to make the decision to have peer support, just set the freaking thing up? People either show up or they don't. Or do you say, hey, pal, are you all right? Are you good? They're doing peer support. You can, you can go. now you're kind of having this direct conversation with somebody and they're like, they might have that moment of like, no, no, no, I'm I'm fine. Thank you though. Or is it like I said, or is it better to just set the damn thing up? Hey, we're gonna have some pizzas there, whatever, you something to try to attract somebody to walk through the door. But it's not it's not up to me to say, do you want it? Right? Correct. But I I've still I still do that. should it just happen? Do you know what I'm saying? I can ask that. maybe I'll get yeses, maybe I'll get no's. But it's happening, you know? I know that our peer support team is willing to come out even if nobody shows up, but they're there. Is it a matter of just saying, Hey, you know, like for me, Billy, can you activate the team and figure this out? And then either people come or or people don't, right? shooting out an email or a text message Doesn't allow that authentic way to connect with somebody or allow that person to connect and say, Yeah, I'll go. and I hate the volunt hold, but maybe in these situations that's exactly what it's made for. Hey, there's a peer support thing. Please be there. That's it. What are you what are your what are your thoughts on that? I think that's a very good topic. And I think your perspective on what needs to happen is exactly that. Set it up. It's like a crock pot. As the chief command level, set it and forget it. It's in there, it's in its own little room. Let it happen. Yep. Things are gonna cook inside. You don't need to know how it's cooking, just when it's done, it's done. Yep. I think that's the way we need to look at Peer support and incident debriefs. It's not your expertise. we have a team in this area that's fantastic. Just get out of the way. Just get out of the just get out that's exactly it. Just get out of the way and let it happen. Step aside. You delegate. Do it. Don't worry about people showing up But we might not get anybody, yeah, And we could sit in an empty room, which is still fine, because somewhere along that time, somebody might all of a sudden at six five, the meeting was starting at six, you know what? I'm gonna go down there. And they show up at six fifteen and guess what? We're there. That's a win. we have to make that a a part of the culture. Where are you at with let me start this way. My dad, growing up, he had a mustache. Right? And I always thought, you know, he'd nice, well groomed little mustache. Like, you know, no, no big deal. you're talking late 70s, yeah, 80s, into the early 90s, and I I lost my dad. He went out with a mustache. And the mustache also kinda went out, except for firefighters, right? They but they grow like walrus bristles. You know what I mean? that's a different level. they cling on to that. That's their thing, that's their look. So I I respect it. Yep, that's right. But now I'm seeing the mustache come back and some of them are like these dainty little like pieces of Velcro. I I don't know, they look like costume When did the stash come back? When did it come back and why did it come back? I I agree. Some of them you look at them and you're like, that's not a Magnum PI. It's like Magnum PI, Tom Selleck. Yeah. If I could rock that stash, you better believe. Because that that stash says, I got a, thousand plus testosterone. Do you know what I'm saying? Like that stash is. it it's got that's doing more. You know what I mean? You're saving a little bit of snack in there, you're doing all kinds of stuff. But these days it's like a I don't even know what. I agree. That stash represents everything, especially the way he rocked It's like Yeah. If I could grow I mean, I'm sure I could, but the and again it comes to somebody's able to grow a mustache like that, the patience, and get it just right yeah and have that nice bushiness to it. But here we are today with these little caterpillars. Yeah. Little I mean I wouldn't even say caterpillar. They're just man, like you said, some kind of velcro thing. A little bit of dense peach fuzz, it seems like and it's just I don't know. Yeah. It's it it looks like a it looks like a mistake. Yeah and they And those that have those mustaches wear their hat the same way, you can put them in a lineup and be like, they're all the same person. this this doesn't feel nice. You know, like I feel like I'm being mean. Yeah, me too. But I I I I'm allowed to have my opinion and I feel like there needs to be some kind of a checklist where you have to be able to grow a robust Mustache that that almost is like a pet. Something that you you know these little things that I'm seeing, I I I feel bad when I see it. I'm like, man. The old school cop stash. Yep. The firefighter flavorsaver. On par with some of the best mustaches known to mankind. Yeah. Anything else? I'm gonna just say it. I'll go old school on it. You're just a poser. All right. Well, if you're gonna grow the stash, grow the stash. and I think part of it is that they can't. So are we now talking about hormones and we'll save that for testosterone, but they're not at that level. I mean at the age that we're seeing, their testosterone should be fine. Yeah, but I don't know, it's a different to different world. man, you're making me want to now grow a stash. Well, well, I remember seeing your former PD would always do a mustache challenge. Yeah. And I would see that on social media and I was like, my God, that's awesome. Awesome. But part of the awesomeness was that I I think is the uncomfortableness of if you're not a mustache person, right? if you don't won't don't have one of those professions that demands a beautiful mustache, then it's a little bit of a challenge. this is tough. This is uncomfortable. And w we've we did it at our PD a couple of times and had some fun with it. But now I feel like we can't do it anymore because it's, you know, mustaches are everywhere and it's not like a it's not a big deal. Yeah. Like one of the gentlemen that was in that challenge, He now rocks that mustache 247. And I'm gonna say he's the new age Magnum PI. Really? He looks good and RW, you know who you are. Yeah. You know who you are, brother. That is a beautiful thing you've got growing there on your lip, and I'm proud of you. Yep. Well There's also this element of like dad. Yeah. Right. Like I, you know, I started the story with like I remember my you know, my dad with a with a stash. So I feel like you hit a certain point and maybe, you know, it's like y you know what? you're You you're married, you have a family, you got kids, maybe they're off to college or done with college, you got a house, everything everything is together. Grow yourself a good mustache at that point. You know? You've earned it, damn it. we're coming up on the end of summer. Yeah. And no shave November is coming. But I think I might have to I don't wanna put you know, we got a lot of time between now and then, but Maybe it's time. What do you mean? I think I'm gonna grow a stash. All right, listen, let's on that note, let's end on that note. it sounds like there's something cooking here with the mustache thing, interesting. maybe off air here we can talk about it and see what what it looks like. What it looks like. Yeah. maybe we could do a main responder mustache challenge. You know? I don't know if I can top you. I'll go get, mustache oils and I'll give my best college try. Man, full circle. Here we are. What we're talking about. Negative self-talk for a positive outcome. Stay safe. Be well. There you go.