Maybe It Was Me: When the Job Becomes Your Identity

speaker-1: I've suffered disappointment and it stings, man. It stings. And I think it is because we lose sight that this is truly a job. people who say, they retire, nobody calls. We've had a taste of that, I think, when people, they go out on extended leave, whether it's FM L. A. right? Somebody has a baby, they go out, somebody gets hurt, they say, Well, jeez, you know, nobody really reached out that could sting a little bit, but should we have the expectation, I'm struggling with it and that's why I think the conversation will be good.

speaker-0: Yeah, where does that expectation come from? I I'll go back to it, I say it a lot, perspective. How are you looking at that expectation of guys retire. I don't have any close connections with anybody that retired from from our P D, but I have connections with people that retired from my former PD. And I do reach out to them yeah quite a bit, I wonder what the level is of what their expectation is for that from the guys and gals that they serve alongside with for those full twenty to twenty five years.

speaker-1: When people, come on the job, what is it that they think they're joining? In my notes here, it was about purpose and identity, and those are different. And so purpose, the work matters deeply to me, right? Yep.

speaker-0: Yeah.

speaker-1: And the identity is the the work tells me who I am. Okay. So purpose can survive disappointment. Yep. Identity has a hard time surviving disappointment. Correct. So is it a calling?

speaker-0: we've talked about that a lot. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough.

speaker-1: Yeah.

speaker-0: Is it a calling? Is it a job? some days for me, some days, yeah. When I walk into the into the PD, some days it is just a job and I'm like, Okay, I'm gonna get through today. And then there's other days where I walk in, let's go. What are we doing today?

speaker-1: is it wrong to expect something special from, know, a first responder profession? that asks weird things from us. I mean, it's a tough job. are we expecting too much? Are we coming in thinking that this is just truly more than it is? When the fact is it's a job, it's a paycheck. And when you're done, when you're gone, even if you're gone for a little bit of time, it's a machine, man. when you're gone, your chair is gonna be filled by someone else.

speaker-0: That's gonna get filled before your retirement check gets kicked in or before your next training period is over in your next job that you take and I guess we look at it from, you know, what are you looking for? Are you looking for something from the organization as far as that hey, you didn't call. Yeah. Or or do you create those relationships in your workplace that you feel is more of a friendship and you feel entitled to somebody reaching out to you. Yeah. And that's what your perception is, that's what your expectation is. But have you voiced that right to the other side of who you're, you know, point hey, you never called. Yeah. I didn't know you want me to call.

speaker-1: there's been times where I'm like, I don't wanna bother you.

speaker-0: Yeah.

speaker-1: if you wanna hear from me, man, reach out I'll be right there. but you gotta let me know. You know what I mean? I don't wanna be overbearing,

speaker-0: I agree. 'Cause I oftentimes have am in over communicator and so when I know that there's a separation of some sort, whether it's vacation time off, I try to make it a point of not to communicate. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm always like, What's up? What are you doing? Hey, have one for me. Yeah. Or, something like that. And I think sometimes that's not necessary. there's that that break is there for a reason and When they walked out, did they say, Hey, check on me every now and then? Probably not.

speaker-1: when do you go from Billy to Billy the cop? Laura's boyfriend. He's a cop. Right. Right. And so the public or people you meet make you make you the cop.

speaker-0: Make you something that you might not be in that particular instance. I'm having dinner. Yeah. I'm not watching how many beers you're drinking. Right.

speaker-1: then when do we become, dependent on the identity? we all had a certain idea also, when we when we signed up for the job. What was it that, that we were looking for? What is it that we expected? I was definitely looking for a camaraderie truly that parallel to the military I think, some people are were just marked for service. And all day I do I s feel strongly about service. you get to wear a uniform, you get to have, ranks, you get to, potentially win awards. Yeah,

speaker-0: Their structure.

speaker-1: there was something about police work that was I wanna be in this and I have expectations and I think it's gonna be special and I think I'm gonna make my best friends in the world, and in whatever police department that it was that I you know that I joined. it's just gonna be this bond and we were gonna, Grow together, see tough things together, and We'd go to the bar together and have a beer and talk about the tough things that we did, it never quite met that threshold. I'm a small town cop, small town chief. We're not Chicago, We're not NYPD,

speaker-0: I didn't have the military. But my beginnings came from the camaraderie and those that I trained with when I was a strength conditioning coach. Seeing what they did, listening to them, talking with them, working out with them, seeing that bond. I was like, ooh, I missed the boat on military. This is kinda like that. I've got service in my family. And the other EPD where I started, it had that group size. That size mean it was a hundred officers. Yeah. So there was that ability, the running shifts, ten, twelve people on a shift at a time, there was that camaraderie. There was going to calls together. There was backing each other up on traffic stops and OUIs and things where it was constant. Shift is over. Places are still open. Let's go grab a pop. And it was nice. You know, I I looked at that and I said, Wow, this is great, you know, this is cool. I like this. the rank structure, the respect. going down the hallway and all of a sudden here comes a chief. Sh snap two, step aside, Good morning, chief. That's not here. Can it be? Sure. Does it need to be? Not necessarily.

speaker-1: military is really good at creating your identity. break you down, build you up. here's the thing about the military. When you're out of the military, you become a veteran,

speaker-0: how many tattoos you got of police on your body? Zero.

speaker-1: I got zero.

speaker-0: I've got nothing as well, but if you look at the military, people out there have tattoos of their unit of what branch of the military they're in. There there is no problem. I mean, we got guys that are tatted up that have like, you know, the thin blue line tattoo on their arm or something like that, or an eagle with whatever. But Those are pretty rare to find. Yeah.

speaker-1: I was in the Air Force, I was in Security Forces, 439 Security Forces Squadron, if any of those guys, any one of those guys was to call me today, I'm in Maine, let's go grab a beer. I would do everything in my power to drop what I was doing because we share that bond. I don't I don't have that with with police work. for me, I was chasing that feeling. I just left the military. I'm gonna go into something that's gonna fill that void. And it didn't. So that was my very first disappointment.

speaker-0: Law enforcement breaks you down and builds you up and trains you how to be an individual. Your backup's not coming for three to five minutes you gotta be your own your own army of one.

speaker-1: how many times have you had somebody say to you yeah, yeah, Yeah, I took the police test.

speaker-0: I had a murmur. Got flat feet.

speaker-1: Why say it? Unless they're just trying to connect, the point I'm trying to make is like the identity piece. it shows, how powerful these professional identities are. Even

speaker-0: Mm-hmm.

speaker-1: before someone joins or if they don't join at all, equate it to like what we see on T V or all the glamorized shit. Yeah. And then like like you said before, it's very much different a few minutes of adrenaline for hours of paperwork? And we sell our souls before we even put ink to the application. Nothing along the way, not the academy, not your field training process, nothing along the way teaches you, hey, prepare yourself because this could be this could look very different than what you have in your mind.

speaker-0: Hence the disappointment.

speaker-1: then you have your first situation where you get written up. everybody's been written up, you know what I mean? It is what it is. It's not the end of a career. People go ballistic over it, I'm not signing that. Well, you're screwed up, and it is own it. But the disappointments, they're gonna happen. There's no doubt about it. Why is it Such a disappointment when those things happen. I've talked about before a promotion, not promotion thing. I've talked about a court case, which really just rattled me and changed my view on on police work and people FTO teaches you how to do the job. Why don't we have anything beyond that? I don't know if it happens at the academy. or after FTO, but teaches you that disappointments will happen. And disappointment is part of life.

speaker-0: Is that the next step in wellness? Do we have after FTO? you get your wellness appointment, meet with your therapist, whoever it may be, Okay, now that you're into this job, this career, what are your thoughts about it? What were your thoughts? What's changed? ask the questions? Is there a questionnaire? How about that? A survey. What were your thoughts about the profession when you signed up? How did you process things during FTO? What are your thoughts on the profession now that you're finished with FTO? What do you think about it now that you have a year of probation Is that something to implement? Do we have a wellness visit based around expectations and disappointment? I think that's a beneficial thing to discuss. I have never thought about this. Yeah. Cause I honestly haven't. So it I think it's a very good topic to discuss. even if we're just brushing over it, I think it's something for people to really think about. What were your expectations five years ago, two years ago, three years ago? Twenty years ago. Yeah. What disappointments came along the way and were they earned disappointments? Were they based off of your perception? Or were they something else? And how did you grow from

speaker-1: really good point. I think we come into this not even realizing it's a fucking job. if you can if you find that department where you can use the word family and fantastic. Great. But It is a job, I've always wanted to add wellness to the FTO program. many places use the San Jose model. it's what we know. a proven model. And there isn't anything yet, at least from what I read, that says it's horrible. It teaches how to do the tasks of the job, there needs to be something beyond that that, talks about growth. You're on the job now. You did great. Now you're on the road. At what point Do you, start to say, I need to work on myself? How do I, prepare myself for disappointment? How do I prepare myself for the things that I'm gonna see and I don't know how to react to we're quick to blame supervisors, the profession. Why do you think we're not looking internally? Because I think that's where the answer lies. Looking back on yourself is hard. Do you know what I mean? what is the real question? I got my feelings hurt because I did something wrong. I'm gonna play victim. I'm gonna blame the agency. But the actual question truly is, what did I do wrong? I'm not gonna sit here and say I haven't made mistakes as a supervisor and a chief. I'm like, I fucked up. I didn't do the right thing. I screwed up. You have to own that. They're hard questions. They're those look in the mirror moments I know there's plenty of shitty supervisors. I'm not saying I'm a great one. I'm just saying when it is on you, when it is on the supervisor, say it. I'd like to be afforded that same opportunity by the officer. I wasn't thinking this through. You were right. And how do we then, as a profession, ingrain that and teach that from the beginning so that the mirror can be in the office during the conversation think about everybody's ownership, everybody's piece of this. right, And the organization disappoints me. Something went wrong.

speaker-0: Yes.

speaker-1: Something happened to me. Ego. we need to take the time, slow down, and really question it. When you're emotionally in the moment, that's hard. probably fight or flight, you know, at some degree. And you are protecting yourself, your feelings and everything, but There needs to be that separation. And that and I guess that's the whole thing is I'm wondering how we can teach that better, how we can implement that, like with the with the level of effectiveness as a San Jose FTO model once they know the job. Now now why aren't we focusing on an an ETO, an emotional training model, or something like that. Yeah. Where where it kind of kicks off almost immediately. Hey, you just you just passed FTO. Now we're gonna go into the different thing. You're gonna maybe work with somebody else and they're gonna talk to you and explain to you all the all the things potentially that can happen and all the feelings you're gonna potentially feel about a a bad incident, a decision that didn't go your way. You know, all these things. And they they shouldn't knock you down. They should say, Okay, Didn't go my way. I can now see clearly where it went wrong, there also has to be this, you know, this social contract you work for a place that does things the right way. I that's another podcast. we're talking right now as if everything is ethical.

speaker-0: what you said there really grabbed me. The ETO. Man, that's amazing. it's it's almost seems like probationary period is like, All right, here's your chance to hang yourself. you lose ownership. Yeah. In that training. So if you put in that ETO process, the emotional training opportunity, man, I think that would really grow an individual when we make a mistake, what did you learn from that mess up? take an opportunity of failure as an opportunity for growth? If you haven't heard it yet in your wellness check or if you do therapy, when somebody says maybe law enforcement isn't for you, take a minute. Yeah. And really look at it and think about it and go, Huh. 'Cause I'm sure there's many things that you do that apply elsewhere and you might be happier doing it.

speaker-1: to go back full circle on the disappointment thing, what does the organization want, what does it need? the organization's always gonna be asking. there's always an overtime list, a detail list, how much are you willing to surrender yourself to that? I've been the person before that all that came first. The organization came first. Do I regret that? At the time it worked, I wasn't fair to myself.

speaker-0: Now you're looking at it from a different perspective, a different lens,

speaker-1: I gave so much, why isn't this giving back? But it's not set up to give back. No. And it never has been. What if some of our deepest disappointment with this profession isn't only about what the job did to us, but about how much of ourselves we asked the job to hold?

speaker-0: How much of ourselves that we ask the job to hold?

speaker-1: the job is the job.

speaker-0: Yeah.

speaker-1: we have these huge expectations that it's a brother, sisterhood, camaraderie, We expect it to be something so much more than it actually can even be.