Relationships in First Responder Life | Stress, Support, and What Actually Holds Up

Okay, here we are with another episode of Maine Responder Wellness podcast. Today, we have a guest, very special to me, my wife, Rebecca. Hi, Becca. Hi, Elliot. Today we're going to talk about relationships, what it's like to be a spouse, the ups and downs. What are we going to focus on? I think just...

talking about the expectations that people have and the flexibility that is needed to survive it and thrive in it.

So what do mean by that? The missed birthdays or missed practices, know, kids' recitals or events and things like that? Absolutely. And thinking about, I think people have this idealistic view of relationships and life and goals and the white picket fence and family dinners. And I think when it comes to being involved with someone who is a first responder, you can have the white picket fence.

but all the rest looks different and it's what you make of it versus kind of the idealistic view of what everyone else thinks it should be. Can you dive into an example of what you're talking about? Holidays, that was a good example. think people are so focused on the date on the calendar and I'm not sure the last time that we celebrated Christmas on Christmas and for us, think we've been

I've identified it's just more important. Like our goal is to celebrate with our family and our family isn't a specific day on the calendar. And we have the opportunity to just make those celebrations special. And as someone who loves things on sale and being frugal, sometimes celebrating a holiday after the day is right up my alley. Our kids don't always know what date it is on the calendar when they're little. So.

being able to just know that celebrations are about family and then having them understand that as they get older has really just lent itself to us celebrating when we celebrate.

Yeah. For us, think as I moved up the ladder a little bit, it kind of became a little more traditional and normal as far as, you actually being around on Christmas morning or on, trick or treating on Halloween. that's gotten a little bit better just with that part of the schedule, but certainly starting, you know, in patrol or when I was, you know, doing investigation, I was missing all kinds of stuff. And I was also, I think a little bit of a workaholic, like I loved it. You know, I, I,

I'd be in there all the time. It'd be at work all the time. I'm just trying to just figure out, you know, a case or whatever. I agree. I think the one thing that you and I have talked about, and I think there's differences in where you are now than where you were then. And now you're hiring people. And there have been times when I have met some of the new hires or potential new hires and we've all gotten together like as a department to celebrate.

and I've worried about.

people's expectations or what that might look like in some of those relationships, especially thinking about people going off to the academy and what that looks like because 18 weeks is a lot of seasons, especially in Maine. And you have different responsibilities at home when someone is missing and doing their piece. And what our role is, is really making sure that they can go away for those weeks.

focus on what they need to focus on so that they can come back and be as successful and safe as possible in their day to day. But those weeks can be tough and the weeks following that can be tough and just thinking about the flexibility that it takes to get through those periods of time. let me switch gears. I mean, still same topic, but what about those times? Because I can remember being so frustrated.

with work at times, probably as I started to move up the chain a little bit, move up the ladder. I'm sure, I'm positive that it was difficult for you. If I came home and just complaining, and I know there were points in my career when I was just absolutely miserable with the job and people managing, you know, can be challenging. I think part of it was I have this thing where I think a lot of us have is trying to be perfect.

I wanted everything to be the way that I wanted it to be. And I wouldn't understand if officers didn't have a similar set of values or motivation as I worked through it and figured it all out, kind of realizing, everybody's different. And that's completely fine. You know, you have to work with people's strengths and they're not all going to be what I'm looking for or the same as mine, which is actually a good thing. But I'm sure as, you know, as somebody who watched me come home.

from being stressed out over some BS at work, I'm sure that was challenging at times.

I'm sure. There's very few times that I can think of that would stick with me. Were we going on 18 years, 17 years? And I wouldn't say that. I think I evolved in understanding what was needed in those times for you. think when we were newer in the relationship and you would come home and struggle, I instantly wanted to go into how do I fix this?

what do I do and how do I fix it and trying to give advice. And I quickly learned that asking if you want advice or if you want to problem solve it or if you just want to vent and being able to know and learn from the way you're presenting or talking or what the issue is, is if you just need to vent or if you do want to try to talk it out and problem solve it. And I think that's something that, because,

our human neighbor is to try to fix things. And sometimes it's not about fixing. Sometimes it's just about being able to have a safe space to unload and then move on. And I think that comes with good communication and just being patient and learning cues and seeing and asking, sometimes just asking. think we've gotten to a point now where I'll say, you want...

problem solve this or are you just venting? And I think you're honest. Sometimes you're like, I just want to vent. I don't want any advice. I just want to say it and move on. And that's what we do. But other times being open to problem solving it with the understanding that we don't understand it. You know, unless you're doing it and living it and breathing it, we can't understand it 100%. And anytime it's easy to play Monday morning quarterback on a situation or circumstances that arise, but just being.

open to and not judgmental, but I think it also comes with not being a dumping ground too. Like I think sometimes if things are tough, you know, we've weathered times when being a police officer was really welcomed in the community and it was a really noble profession and people really loved police officers. And we've also weathered times where we've had to have conversations with our children about

might now might not be the best time to mention what your dad does for work or what that safety looks like. And we've gone through those different things. So I think just going with the ups and downs and being flexible and being open, but also setting up our boundaries as the support network to say, I can't carry all of this for you. Or maybe you need to, you know, see.

support from another chief or another lieutenant in this situation or things like that, anything. But I think shouldering some of it, but also knowing when it's too much or being willing to say to your significant other or spouse that, you you don't seem like you're in a good space and is this worth it anymore? And really challenging that as a question of, you in a place where you can continue to do this? I think we've had some of those discussions.

over the years too. When you say that, you mean the profession keep on working as a first responder? Yeah, I think that the cost to it is greater than a lot of professions and the toll that it takes on people is much more significant than a lot of other professions. And sometimes the cost is greater than I think the benefit. But I also think that if you're not taking care of yourself right from the beginning or learn some

good coping skills or strategies on how to leave it or process it, accept what you can, have control over and let go of what you can't. I don't know that a lot of people would be able to successfully, healthily and happily make it to the end of a pension time or full career if they're not taking those steps. And I think it's our responsibility as

people who care about people who are first responders to ask some of those questions and maybe point out when things don't look like they're in a good, happy, healthy place. Maybe this isn't fair to say, but this may have come a little easier for you because you did a job where you were on call some crazy things as social worker at the DHHS for many years and

And sometimes I felt like your job was more demanding as far as being on call and things like that. I wonder if that, that in itself helped him, guess, realize like, okay, this job is kind of demanding in this way. You know, maybe yes, maybe no, but a lot of, I remember a lot of times it was like, wow, he get called more than I do. I think that for sure made it easier. But I think part of why you and I talked about wanting to have this conversation is because

In relationships, things change, people change, especially if you're together for a really long time. You you start dating and then you might get engaged or buy a house and get married and have kids. And like all of those are changes and people, you know, as people we grow. The one thing that doesn't change is the demand of the work and the job. And so as you're moving through, and that doesn't matter what you do for work, and it's just important for a spouse.

and a first responder to understand that as you navigate through these different changes in life, the demands of the job still remain the same. We can't expect as our lives change that that work is gonna change along with it and you just need to make those choices in your life. Having kids or signing kids up for extracurriculars, knowing that the ideal is, right? I mean, how many times do you, I say, hey, Elle, can you grab?

Charlie or can you, when Ella was in crazy sports and Charlie was just really little, can you grab Charlie, meet me at Ella's game and your standard response is yes, but if something comes up. And so we always have a plan B if you're the one that's the plan A, knowing that if that can't happen. And I think that's not typical and that's not.

standard for many families and just understanding that that's what that is when you go into those things and not as a spouse becoming frustrated and angry or resentful because we know that going in that that job is not going to change. And sometimes you ride out having really good peaceful times where everything runs as smooth as you'd like it to and it's great. And then you just have a rash of things that

are just completely out of your control and you just have to weather those storms as they come, knowing that that's what we knew was the potential. think pretty much everything you said could be categorized as good advice, but if somebody came to you and said, you know, I'm dating this person, they're a police officer, you've been married to a police officer, what is it like? Like, what would be the top piece of advice?

I think just flexibility, that's always the key. think that comes down to everything is that being flexible and willing to pivot and just being supportive. I think genuinely people want to be supportive of one another. It's just reminding that the job is not the person. And so not getting that confused. Like you may be frustrated with the job, but you're not necessarily frustrated with your spouse. You're frustrated with...

the demands of the job or the toll that it's taking on your spouse and that we need to separate those two things. Being flexible and understanding that your spouse is not the job and just separating the two and where your frustration goes. Not to say I haven't gotten frustrated because I am by no means a saint, but I think what I am as a strong communicator and when I have felt frustrated or felt like we've got to make time for each other or I need this, those pieces, I say it.

And I think that speaking up and saying what you need and expressing your own feelings, is it not being supportive? It's actually really supportive of, a commitment to the relationship that you're in. Yeah, you made a good point. I had to learn it because I would complain as much as anybody else in this job and say, you know, this place sucks. And I got a little more wise. I realized like it wasn't the department. I had to pinpoint it to exactly what the hell was bothering me at that time.

And a lot of times it probably had nothing to even do with the department, but for some reason that's what you blame. And you had kind of mentioned that where it's spouse or significant other, you know, don't get upset with, with your officer because it's, you know, it's part of the job. It's the job, not the, not the person, just the, you know, career, career path that we chose. But, so I thought that was a good point in this and I use that example because I think it can go with a lot of things. You know, we just kind of.

place blame quickly because we're angry, but without trying to get down to like, what is it that we're actually, that's upsetting us. And as I, as I get older, I'd learn to kind of do that a little bit more. And, and it's really effective to realize, okay, something else completely different is, is what's bothering me. All right. This, this has been a good conversation. How do you feel about it? Feel great. Yeah. All right. Any last, any last words or something that you'd want to say or that you think would be helpful or just anything you want to say how great I am?

I that's not bad. I how great I am and the perseverance that I've shown and the support. No. absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. No, I die, you know, not just because she's sitting right here next to me, but I am I am blessed. I'm very lucky. I didn't always see it that way. Like I said, there were times where my head would get clouded because of who knows what. But we just we have whether to.

I'll use the word storm just because that's the saying, it hasn't really, hasn't really been too stormy at all for us. Even though there have been moments, know, moments where I let the job stress me out, you know, as I've already said, just the things that come with the job. And sometimes it's true, those weird calls that I always thought like, nothing, none of that bothers me. And then you kind of think about it you're like, I guess that must bother me. You know, when you talk about it months later, but...

You know, things are changing. think our profession is getting good about opening up a little bit more. And so that's why we thought that this was going to be kind of a cool topic just to get out there. Cause it's certainly a thing where we all have dealt with at one time or another, if you're starting in a new relationship or married for years. There's always those times where you just need to check in and realize what's, what's really important. So it's not that you can't have, you know,

quote unquote normal relationship. You just have to define what your normal is because it's just different than what the standard is for people who work a eight to four or eight to five and both parents are one person staying home or both parents are working that type of schedule. When you don't, you can still have all of the same things that other people have and like a traditional family setting. It just looks different and you define

what that family is for you and what's important for you and how you make it work.

Good, good stuff. All right. Well, thank you very much, Becca, for your knowledge, your insights. As we kind of keep moving on with this podcast, there'll be topics that around this, or this subject that we can maybe do this again and dive deeper. But this is a great, great start and a great little overview. I mean, I hope it was enjoyable for everybody out there to hear. Thank you. Thank you. Stay safe.